An Open Letter of Revolt to the City of Cambridge
Its come to our attention that you've upped your parking meters from a 6 pm end time to an 8 pm end time. While I can understand the need to provide more parking this confiscatory legal piracy is not the way to go about it. What you've done amounts to third world tithes, and your secular humanist sect doesn't fit with my general beliefs. Beliefs such as the dollar I put in this parking meter should come with a hot dog and a free soda.
More importantly, you should factor in how much we give your miserable communist berg, and what we receive in return. For one thing, we contribute greatly to Harvards stature. Who are they going to scoff at condeceningly if not for drunks in rugby socks. Think about it.We also provide tremendous amount of economic stimulation well after we pay a dollar for a cramped parking space on your back alley cow paths. Does anyone really like waht you're offering in Harvard Square? We ought to get paid just to prop that dump up. If I wanted to go to a mall full of hippie jackasses I'd move to Denver. The one good burger joint you had mysteriously "burned down" and I'm sure it will conveniently be replaced by a lens Crafters. Also, its fairly evident that Tommy Doyles hasn't been up to code with its plumbing in quite sometime. In fact I'm fairly certain after 9 pm on thursday its bathrooms count as wet lands and should be protected by the Wildlife Federation. You're certainly not allowed to run a business on this Cantabridgian Everglade.
We are constnatly getting ticketed, our homeless fans are routinely harassed by police officers driving onto the commons, and you've done nothing to curb the mosquito population next to, above all things, a playground. if I were a lesser man I'd suggest that your carefree attitude toward EEE is infantaside by apathy.
But we are nothing if not cordial. We are willing to compramise but we do have some demands written into our attonrney-lookedover rider. First of all, we're sick of using that poor excuse for a bathrom you call the Sheraton Commander. We'll need plumbing (good plumbing) on the field in some capacity. We'd also like a scoreboard, especially for the games Cider is reffing. How am I to know what the count is with calls like "too bouncy." And finally, we're sick of this half-hearted space saver you call a parking-policy. The sky is the limit so start making taller parking garages. And we'd like to reserve them on Thursday nights thank you.
I hope that this letter will be found both reasonable and realistic. Our requests are above all else fair and we expect a prompt response in regard to them. If we have not heard from you in 1 weeks time, we are prepared to move forward on our suit proving you had Mr. Bartley's Burger Cottage whacked for your own commerical gain. Suck on it.
In prodigious goodwill,
The Team Your Team Could Smell Like.
Posted by Brow at Wednesday, June 30, 2010