The Murderous Tom Doyle (An idea I stole…)

So as you know, I play kickball on the greatest kickball team in the world (king hippos). We have multiple world kickball association records, and many more drinking records. So we join this WAKA league to grace them with our presence. As we take the field everyone’s cheering and they hand us solo cups of awesome. It’s raining but we don’t care because we’re Hippo’s and that just makes us better anyhow.

So we suit up, we take the field we get the briefing from Cap’n Big and we’re eating some “shoes” Shookie was kind enough to make and the refs call for the teams to Ro-Sham –Bo. Some teams would concern themselves with such a match up, but we’re hippos and it doesn’t bother us. We stare “away” in the face, and “away” backs down.

So we send in our delegate and he goes through the 1,2,3 and

BAM Scissors!!!

This guy doesn’t even know what hit him. Who throws scissors? This game is centered around rock right? Its paper or its rock…so he shoots again and


AGAIN? Who is this guy, who the fuck throws scissors TWICE???!?!?!! Scissors is barely in the rules. And just when he’s coming to grips with the reality of the situation, the Hippo looks him in the eyes and whispers


And now the dude doesn’t even know what to think. He gets back to his huddle and their like “how we lookin” and the guys just stammering. And his teammates grab him by the shoulders and their like “SPEAK TO ME MAN – WHAT HAPPENED” and he’s like the beat me with Scissors…


They beat me with scissors…


They beat me…

“Alright team well collect yourselves, Joey you’re kicking first”

“no…they took away”

The teammate slaps him. “Collect yourself man, no one takes away”

And they guy, looking downward like his dog had been killed says “…but they did”

And Teammate glares across the field through the pouring rain. He tries to stare us down but we’ve already suited up and we’re wearing our tornados. And he turns to his buddy Jim and he’s like

“jesus Jim…their like orange zebra”

“No Diego…they are hippos”

“God help us all.”

And the top of the order lines up in the box. The pitch is thrown and it goes blowing by the hippo at

30 MPH!!!!!

The catcher tries to stop it but its going

30 MPH!!!!

It rolls into the street and cars are diving out of the way, trying to avoid the children behind said ball, there’s carnage everywhere. The pitcher opens his eyes…but it was a ball. And he took a cone in the process. He realizes the Hippo also blend in with the cones, and you can’t see it in the rain but he starts to sweat.

The hippo drops one sock down, to both show that he is in a Hippo gang, and as a direct challenge to the pitcher. With skin exposed, he assumes he can find the batter in the field of orange.

The ball approaches, the hippo drops a bunt into the dead zone. For a brief moment the world stops. The catcher looks to the pitcher. The Pitcher looks at the catcher. Third base is screaming you but no one looks to see who he’s signaling. Eventually the catcher mounds it. The hippo has been debating agricultural practices for the last 2 mins on first with Colin, who sips his “diet coke.” The option for second was there, but we’re a classy team.

The assault continues, the rain continues. Due to some poorly placed pop-fliers, the Bottom of the inning approaches. The game trucks along in a similar fashion, Ray’s name echos through the Harvard Coop and a thousane tweed jackets spin in horror. “Who is this ray.” Owen Anderson writes an anthropology paper on how Ray is all of us, and the screaming is a collective disinvolvement with a modern coporate culture. Its Harvard – he gets an “A.”

When the game is finally over, they call in an astrophysicist to make sure the comma’s for the scores are in the correct place. The Hippos march in celebratory victory toward the bar, we walk in and the bouncers and clapping, they don’t even question my expired license. I’m a hippo and age is irrelevant.

We mount the staircase, someones wearing the MVP belt – people are demanding photos with them. We’ve settled in, we’re downing Calimari, everything is wonderful…

And then the lite jazz trio beings. The clarinet


Begins to blow “take five” with his eyes close like only a white guy can “feel it.” His sweater is Cosby in nature. Jaws are agape, The flashing sign says “no flip cup.” The Kitchen is exploding in fire, and their shoving tables and good times into a closet in the corner, presumably to break their ribs and give them cancer.

The waitress is disinterested.

“I asked for Mozzarella Sticks” I said.

"Those are cheese fries” she snaps as she walks off.

Even in their hour of glory, even in the herd of Hazy Orange, Tommy Doyle’s has managed to take the soul from Gods.

She turns and whispers “and you’re not getting you 15% discount” she whispers. She disappears into a mob of drunk “Where my Pitches at” players and a wall of Kenny G.

Captain's Note: Week 5-... er... 9

Greetings Hippos!

Welcome to stoppage time! It is time to finish what was left undone!

Week 5 kickball has risen from the dead under the guise of "Week 9 Kickball", and it couldn't have happened at a better time.

This Thursday we battle "Warriors are Back" who, aside from possibly being named after a forgettable 70s movie with an unfortunate video game re-make, are known for toppling the giants that are Scoregasm last week.

They are led by all-around nice and cool guy and Raining Sideways veteran Eric "Heat" Heaton who we HATE HATE HATE!!! (I've included him on this email)



"Key Lime Killahs"? "Key Lime Killahs"?!?!

Who... What... I mean... How...

I'm sorry. I just can't... It's just not fair... It's like an ebonic Jimmy Buffet, I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna try and make fun of their name because it's just too much.

The deets for this week:

When: 7:15
Where: Field 2
How: With verve!

We are currently 4-3 on the season. This is the last game of the regular season. A win this week will be huge for our post-season goals. Let's bring the awesome this week!

Lemme know if you're in or if you're unconscious!

Additionally, we are slated to ref the first game on field 2 betwixt Gettin Cider (hisssss) and Where My Pitches At (yay). Any help available would be appreciated!

In other news: Brow at his best.

Captain Big
King Hippos

"Waaarriorrrrs! Come out and plaaaaAAAAaaaaaaay!!"

Blue Steel Can’t Hold Back Rampaging Hippos

The King Hippos continued their winning ways against Blue Steel on Thursday when, shorthanded, they held on through a wet and wild match for a 6-1 victory.

The match started quietly as both teams acclimated to the slick surface and slippy ball. The Hippos had runners on in the first and managed to score two, but would’ve scored more had the Steel’s center fielder not wowed the crowd, reeling in a ball over his head.

The Hippos’ defense also held strong through the game, though the conditions did, at times, challenge them.

“It was a wet one out there,” griped catcher Squints. “But by the second inning, nothing was getting by me… or maybe the third…”

The Steel managed to pull a run back in the third, cutting the Hippos’ lead in half.

The fourth inning saw the Hippos break it open, however, as the offense advanced through the order for the second time, plating four runs on RBIs by Big, Squints and Catie.

It took the defensive highlight of the game, however, to prevent the Steel from rallying back in the bottom of the fourth.

With Blue Steel boasting runners at first and second with no outs, their kicker smacked a liner into left center. A hard-charging Aimee made the narrow catch in the dwindling twilight and got the ball to second to catch the runner off the bag. Big was then able to tag the runner going from first to second completing an unlikely and rare triple play.

“It would’ve been, like, 200 achievement points on Xbox Live!” crowed Big.

With vision becoming a problem on the darkening common, the Steel threatened again in the bottom of the fifth. At times, it looked like the royal blue might take some karma from their loss in the dark in the summer of 2008 final and convert a victory on Thursday.

However, the Hippos’ defense relied on their instincts and managed to frustrate the Steel’s efforts.

After the invigorating victory, the Hippos’ morale is high going into the final game of the regular season next Thursday.

Third baseman Fox was jubilant. “That Dalai Llama dude was lucky that Blue Steel only had to block a shuriken instead of stopping our herd of Hippos, because that guy would’ve been toast.”

"That was Magnum, you bombastic heliotrope," Tristan retorted.

"It was," stammered Fox. "I apologize, I was working with imperfect data."

“We all had to dig deep,” said game MVP Aimee. “We put on our game faces and embraced the monsoon. When things were looking grim with the conditions, the Hippos powered through!”

“The Hippos love playin’ in the wet,” agreed Asian.

Week 8: Captain's Note

Good Morning Hippos,

I hope you had a nice sleep. I hope yer all rested up. Hope yer refreshed.

Because this week, we're administering a refresher on our opponent: Blue Steel.

That's right, they didn't get enough of a whuppin' in Week 4. They're back for more. And you know what? I think we have enough leftovers in the fridge to give 'em a second helping, AM I RIGHT?!

Hopefully, this go-round, the officiating will be a bit more... well... a bit less "Cider-ish".

Oh wait, Scoregasm is reffing... That's it's own flavor of crazy. Hopefully, this week, we won't have to put up with the Zac Drach Social Hour as he welcomes guests from all over Boston for a quick chat and movie plug.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is our second-to-last regular season game of the season. I believe our current record is 3-3. So let's finish up on a strong note, finish the season over .500!

Game time is: 7:15
We're playing: on Field 2 (Grass)
Refreshments: ???

We have no other obligations this week, either, so no need for refs or peeps to grab equipment.

Lemme know if you're Inn or vacant!

Captain Big
King Hippos

"In a car with bluetooth capabilities, the car is the headpiece!"

P.S. Sorry for the tardy recap for last week's soaring victory. I hope to have that up this afternoon. Thank you for your patience!

Hippos Back in Form at the Expense of Those in Need

The Hippos returned to their winning ways on Thursday, putting together a solid victory over the upstart Charity Case, 5-2.

After Captain Big “intentionally” chose to be Away, the Hippos quickly pulled four runners across the plate, taking the pressure off the team’s pitching staff and defense before they ever took the field.

Overall, the Hippos’ offense combined for a whopping 20 hits on the day, a good sign for the rest of the season and through the post-season.

Defensively, the team was solid.

The first kick for Charity Case, however, did leave the team with the Benny Hill theme song whirling through their heads as the kicker managed to reach first and then, against all better sense, squirreled for second. When miscommunication at the middle corner led to another bobble, she headed for third and reached. However, she overran the base into foul territory and was promptly (and finally) tagged out.

After that, however, the field settled down. Kevin continued to excel at third with a number of seams that, at times, tested first baseman BK’s lobster claws. The outfield firmly prevented anything from getting behind them and were quick to get the ball back in to prevent undeserved runs and bases.

The Hippos were glad to be the mongoose(?) to the Cases’ bear. The strong win brought the team back to .500 on the season.

"Well you know,” slurred game MVP Brennan. “I don't want to say their name encouraged it, but our strat this week was to play big casino. We took 'away'. We took and held onto the lead like champs. I think when it comes down to the Hippos and any other team it just matters who’s the most hungry...hungry."

Week 7: Captain's Note

Hip hip

Chin chin


Welcome to Week 7 of King Hippos Kickball!

Apologies for the tardy captain's note.

Game time fast approaches, and I know a lot of you have a fire in your bellies from last weeks teeth-grating loss.

The rest of you all have a fire in your bellies from... an alien life form that has taken root in your tummy, waiting to burst out at an inopportune time, like during a presentation at work and while talking up a girl/boy at the bar.

ANYway, here're the deets:

WHO: Charity Case (Dark red, consisting of a number of players from T's League dodgeball this past winter)
WHERE: Field 1 (the dirt!)
WHEN: 7:15 p.m.
WHY: Because we like you

According to the schedge, we have no other duties this week other than to kick ass on the field and at the bar. We're being reffed by "Where My Pitches At" (dark blue).

Lemme know who's in and who's not going to have much fun tomorrow night because there's simply not enough kickball in their life.

Charity Case is what their name implies: A group that deserves pity but is mostly ignored. Most people only talk to them because they know it'll look good on their taxes.

But let's not rule them out. Let's go in there as we always do: Heads held high, drinks also held high, perhaps being siphoned out of our cups by our tubular spectacles.

Ray, bring you that kickin' banner!

And did we have a volunteer for this week's refreshments?

Captain Big
King Hippos

Squints: come on Big
Big: where're we going? can I drive?
Squints : no you cant drive and we are going to hell im clearly in charge here
Big: OOOO! Are we taking the highway?

Hippos Rolled by Thinly Veiled Innuendo

The Hippos’ hot streak came to a halt on Thursday when they were trumped on the field by Getting’ Cider, 0-4.

Despite their best efforts at showing Third Baseman Wayne a good time on his birthday, not many balls bounced the Hippos’ way on the night.

Where the Hippos will never be beat, however, is in spirit, as MVP Ray earned his belt with a fantastic banner sporting the team’s name and mascot.

“We’ll bounce back,” said Captain Big. “We’ve got a lot of fight left in us. It’ll take a lot more than that to drop us to the mat.”

By Friday evening, the loss was all but forgotten as the Hippos took the class out of the Hong Kong with arm wrestling and spilt scorpion bowls.

“I can’t wait to hit the field next Thursday,” said Asian. “We’re gonna show ‘em that the Hippos are made of harder stuff!”

Week 6: Captain's Note

Greetings Hippos!

It's Week 6 and it's looking a bit more dry. So let's start getting amped up!

This week we play at 7:15 on Field 1... wait for it... against... GETTIN' CIDER!

/Pause for pandemonium

That's right, we're playing our favorite team to hate! I don't think any more need be said. Bring your A game! No, fuck that, bring your A+ game!

And, of course, the icing on the cake is that we're reffing the 6:30 game on field two featuring... WAIT FOR IT... Blue Steel!

I'll need some help, but I look forward to showing them what a properly officiated game looks like!

People it's been 13 days since we've played kickball! I know you're hungry! I know you're eager! The Hippos are agitated! Now is NOT a good time or place for Cider to cross the river! Did we give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor! Fuck no!!

Lemme know if you're in or if you're not feeling awesome this week!

Captain Big
King Hippos

"We love you Nomar!"

Week 5: Captain's Note - RAINOUT

Hullo Hippos,

Tragically, the games have been called and rescheduled for the end of the season. So, stay dry tonight (Physically, if not... erm... drink-ally).

Try and channel the testosterone and energy you stored up for today's matchup into something constructive, like beer pong, or chores... preferably beer pong.

Let's have a good holiday weekend!

Captain Big
King Hippos

"Brian, don't let this girl out of the house, ever. Just keep her at home and f**k her all day long! Don't be an idiot and bring her out to see Richard Cheese!"