An Open Letter of Revolt to the City of Cambridge




Dear Cambridge,

Its come to our attention that you've upped your parking meters from a 6 pm end time to an 8 pm end time. While I can understand the need to provide more parking this confiscatory legal piracy is not the way to go about it. What you've done amounts to third world tithes, and your secular humanist sect doesn't fit with my general beliefs. Beliefs such as the dollar I put in this parking meter should come with a hot dog and a free soda.


More importantly, you should factor in how much we give your miserable communist berg, and what we receive in return. For one thing, we contribute greatly to Harvards stature. Who are they going to scoff at condeceningly if not for drunks in rugby socks. Think about it.We also provide tremendous amount of economic stimulation well after we pay a dollar for a cramped parking space on your back alley cow paths. Does anyone really like waht you're offering in Harvard Square? We ought to get paid just to prop that dump up. If I wanted to go to a mall full of hippie jackasses I'd move to Denver. The one good burger joint you had mysteriously "burned down" and I'm sure it will conveniently be replaced by a lens Crafters. Also, its fairly evident that Tommy Doyles hasn't been up to code with its plumbing in quite sometime. In fact I'm fairly certain after 9 pm on thursday its bathrooms count as wet lands and should be protected by the Wildlife Federation. You're certainly not allowed to run a business on this Cantabridgian Everglade.

We are constnatly getting ticketed, our homeless fans are routinely harassed by police officers driving onto the commons, and you've done nothing to curb the mosquito population next to, above all things, a playground. if I were a lesser man I'd suggest that your carefree attitude toward EEE is infantaside by apathy.

But we are nothing if not cordial. We are willing to compramise but we do have some demands written into our attonrney-lookedover rider. First of all, we're sick of using that poor excuse for a bathrom you call the Sheraton Commander. We'll need plumbing (good plumbing) on the field in some capacity. We'd also like a scoreboard, especially for the games Cider is reffing. How am I to know what the count is with calls like "too bouncy." And finally, we're sick of this half-hearted space saver you call a parking-policy. The sky is the limit so start making taller parking garages. And we'd like to reserve them on Thursday nights thank you.

I hope that this letter will be found both reasonable and realistic. Our requests are above all else fair and we expect a prompt response in regard to them. If we have not heard from you in 1 weeks time, we are prepared to move forward on our suit proving you had Mr. Bartley's Burger Cottage whacked for your own commerical gain. Suck on it.

In prodigious goodwill,
The Team Your Team Could Smell Like.

SPICES: Week 5

Greetings Kickballers!

It's Monday and, for perhaps the first time since week one this season, my phone's weather forecaster shows something other than a monsoon for Thursday. As I say that, I'm furiously knocking wood so as not to jinx it, but we'll see!

The deets:
Time: 6:30
Field: Field 2 (grass)
Who: Bootleggers (gray)

Please let me know if you CAN or CANNOT make it out on Thursday! This helps me put together the positions and kicking lineup!



The Bootleggers are a veteran squad, so we need to be on our A game this week. Their captain, normally a really nice guy, was involved in a bit of an incident on the basepaths last week, though, so they may be a bit shaken up going into this week. Let's take advantage and get our kick on!

So, why should you want to beat the Bootleggers? Well, they're gray, first of all. And what have we seen in the skies for half the season so far? Gray! So let's take our frustrations with Mother Nature out on these guys! We all hate New England weather, so I think we can tap into some deep and longstanding ill will!

Why else should we want to beat them? I'll tell you why! THEY drank ALL the PBR last week! Yup! THEY'RE the reason we were all forced to fall back on Schlitz which, aside from being far inferior to the Blue Ribbon, led to some really odd behavior on the part of some of your teammates...

So, for all that is right and good in the world, for all the sunny weather that's been bullied aside by gray-meanie clouds, and for all those forced to drink sub-par beer because of pillaged stocks, let's take these bums down!

In other, sock-related news, the Tampa Bay Rays recently introduced a new sock to their uniform in hopes of jump-starting their beleaguered offense. It looks like the sock trend continues to spread. Now, it hasn't worked for the slumping Rays which you'd think isn't a great sock motivator. But you'd be wrong. You see, we want the Rays to struggle, so the sock magic is still working in our favor! Wear your reds with pride on Thursday!

Captain Big
The Team Your Team Could Smell Like

"They're cheating! Their bags have magnets! Those bags are using magnets!" - Steve Li

Spices take the first of the season series against Blue Steel


The weather gods, again, showed their displeasure with kickball this week, throwing microbursts at Cambridge Commons in an otherwise lovely week. Refusing to let a little moisture get in the way of their kickball, however, the players waited for the sunshine – as well as the equipment – and got underway late.

Many of the Spices sported call back socks to seasons past. Raining Sideways, King Hippos, Green Team, Grilled Cheese, Last Ones Picked and Strangers in The Alps were all honored on the day.

The Spices’ offense got off the ground early as Tristan advanced to third on Asian’s single where he arrived safely, but only after taking out the third baseman who was half his size. In his defense, the fielder spent most of her day standing in the basepath. Tristan, however, was apologetic. “Just call me the Kobe Bryant of kickball... I mean in the 'abuses women' way, not in the '5 time world champion' way..."

The Reds then took an early lead with RBIs by Big and a great sacrifice kick by JP, scoring Tristan and Asian, respectively.

The defense held strong in the bottom of the first, but two Blue Steel runs snuck home in the second. Blue Steel’s CF Long (sp?) got home the hard way rounding the bases after narrowly missing being tagged out by Phil and then an even closer call on the third base line when Big watched his tag miss the runner by a hair.

The teams then traded body blows in the third, each scoring a single run. The Spices’ came on a huge sacrifice kick by Seamus that scored Spartacus from third.

You could cut the tension with a knife going into the fourth inning as Bayewitch stepped to the plate. The Blue Steel pitcher, who had some trouble finding the strike zone in the third (even walking a patient Zach), got a bit cute, rolling in a few meatball pitches that still went wide. Thinking quickly, Bayewitch took advantage of the pitcher and catcher’s apparent apathy, acted disinterested until the ball finally broached the kicking box and placed an inch-perfect bunt down the third base line, catching the fielders by surprise.

"I think the pitcher thought he could psych me out by pitching another slow ball, but I fooled him,” said Bayewitch (Coriander). “The ball just stopped, I acted confused and then was like, ‘OK catcher, see ya when I round the bases!’”

Suiting actions to words, Bayewitch would then take an extra base on the subsequent at bat while the fielders weren’t paying attention to her. This heads up and enterprising play by the plucky second baseman earned her the Game MVP award. As the Blues reacted to Bayewitch’s gall, Asian was then able to take second base for her first double of the season.

As it turned out, Bayewitch’s adventures at the plate and on the basepaths were the spark that the Spices needed to start an impressive six run rally.

While at second base, Asian talked to the Steels’ speedy centerfielder. Big was able to take advantage of this distraction and boot a double to left center while Long wasn’t looking, scoring Bayewitch from third.

JP then launched another sacrifice fly that scored Asian from third for a second time. JP (After Hours), who has the team’s only triple on the season, said “Against my selfish burning desire to kick the ball and chance any double plays, I opted for the team and made sacrifice hits to bring runners home from third.”

The Spices then flashed their kicking quality. Brown singled in a run, Phil got aboard, Colin made up for an earlier baserunning gaff and drove in his fourth RBI of the season, and Kevin finished off the rally with an RBI of his own.

Team fireplug Catie also drove in a run on what could have been a double. She was forced to live with a single, however, when the game officials sent her back to first saying that the ball had been mounded and the play made dead.

“Honestly... he was over by third which was why I went... he would have had every right to try to get me out!” said Catie.

“She’s right,” said Captain Big. “If this was the playoffs, I would’ve said something. As it was, it was kind’ve funny to see her slink back to first base.”

Carrying the momentum into the bottom half of the inning, the Spices took the field against a now desperate Blue Steel offense. BK survived a play at second as the ever-dangerous Long plowed through the bag, overrunning the base. BK, kept his head and tagged the runner out.

On what was to be the final play of the game, First Baseman Ray – in his first game back since his wedding, honeymoon and mattress-shopping obligations – held onto a difficult winding liner down the first base line. Hitting the ground to make the catch, Ray then made double sure of the out by dragging himself along the wet grass to tag the base with the ball ahead of the runner.

“That hilarious play showed how much heart this guy has,” said a tearful Captain Big. “He made that catch, which was impressive enough, but then wormed his way back to the bag so there would be no doubt. I only wish I’d remembered to bring him his jersey today and he wasn’t playing in that stylish button down shirt…”

Due to the late start (partially due to weather and more due to the late arrival of equipment), the TTYTCSL/Steel match was called after only four innings, to the chagrin of both squads, especially hearing that the subsequent match played all five innings.

Ever the sportsmen, the Spices bought the Steel players a pitcher/three PBRs at the Bar.

While it was still a win and leaves the Spices undefeated on the season, it was a moderately hollow victory because of the game’s shortened nature. The Spices look forward to facing the Steel again later in the season.

Captain Big would also like to thank the Pitches’ Mark for his birthday PBR. “I found your thoughtfulness tasty and refreshing!” said Big.

SPICES: Week 4

Greetings Kickballers!

Summer is here! Days of sun, fair weather, gin and tonics in hammocks and... KICKBALL!

The deets:
Time: 6:30
Field: Field 2 (grass)
Who: Blue Steel (blue)

Please let me know if you CAN or CANNOT make it out on Thursday! This helps me put together the positions and kicking lineup!



Blue Steel is the squad we're playing twice this season and, for the newcomers, we have a history with this team. We've defeated them in the Championship Match twice. They are one of the stronger sides so we should go into Thursday expecting stiffer resistance than what we've seen thus far.

HOWEVER, they have their weaknesses and we can certainly exploit them. If you need a fire lit in your belly against this squad, then know this: They wear the same color as Thierry Henry (of French handball fame). They also make a habit of parking really close to or over the line in street parking which makes it really hard to park in the spot next to theirs. ALSO, they DON'T turn their headlights on when it's RAINING!

So let's get out there and SHOW THEM WHAT FOR!

Captain Big
The Team Your Team Could Smell Like

"I know the rules of soccer. I know the rules of soccer so well that, when two Slovenian players mug an American player, the American player gets a foul." - Andy Roddick

No Velvet Rope Can Help VIP Stop the Steamrolling Spices


Thursday saw The Team Your Team Could Smell Like take the field against a small VIP Let’s Kick It Squad. Going into the match undefeated had the Spices confident, but a slow offensive start deadened the team’s spirit.

Though the Spices’ feet were quiet in the first two innings, the defense held strong, giving the VIPs few chances to capitalize on.

Shortstop Catie (Nutmeg) reeled in a catch that surprised some since they didn’t even know she had a line on it.

“I promise I’ll call it next time!” cried FBJ. “Sometimes I just get in the zone and think, ‘Yeah, I can get this one…’ I didn’t want to lose that focus.”

“While I would like to hear a bit more chatter on the field than we heard last night,” said Captain Big. “There’s no denying the fact that Catie’s focus led to a solid defensive performance.”

Second baseman Squints made a pair of good plays on the right side, including a catch of her own.

“I saw the ball coming at me and all I was thinking was, ‘Geez! Don’t let it hit me in the face and knock me out!’” she said afterwards.

“It’s comments like that which really build up the captain’s confidence in his defense,” said Big. “Much like Angela’s ‘Oh crap!’ when the ball is kicked at her.”

The only defensive hiccup on the night came on a dipping drive into right field where Spartacus (Ginger) seemingly had it lined up for a catch, only to have it slip through her hands and bounce back in towards the infield. When asked what went wrong, Lindsey was quick to answer:

“I almost missed the almost catch because of Tristan's distracting dance moves,” she said. “I am glad I was able to refocus and make the almost-catch possible.”

“What a harlot!” replied Tristan. “She was totally doing an ‘I-have-to-pee’ dance and I called her on it!”

“What the hell is going on in right field?” asked Big, scratching his head.

Benny Hill antics aside, after two quiet innings, the Spices’ offense suddenly came alive in the third inning, starting with rookie and game MVP Melanie’s (Musk Mallow) RBI double.

“Being a newb, I'm glad I could get things started last night,” said Melanie. “Bunting and running like hell clearly go a long way.”

The Spices would go on to score 6 more runs in succession, with JP (AfterHours), Seamus (Cudweed), Chris (All Spice), Tristan (Scary Spice) and Spartacus all knocking in runs.

No mistake defense and enterprising kicking and running led to an 8-0 result that the Spices could be proud of.

“It was a solid result,” said Big, who added another victim to his season foul-out tally (4) on the mound. “I loved the aggression on the base paths we saw from everybody. The rally in the third was as exciting as anything we’ve seen on the field this season… Well, maybe not as exciting as Ray’s fall-on-his-ass catch.”



The rest of the week leading up to next Thursday, no doubt, will be filled with speculation about the Spices’ next match against Blue Steel. This will be a replay of last season’s Championship Final match, in which the then King Hippos took home the trophy.

When asked about the upcoming clash, Asian laughed, “They’re going down!”

Captain's note: Week 3

Greetings Kickballers!

I hope your weekend was great and that your Monday has, thus far, been toothless. I hope that, though the World Cup leaves kickball as the second most-awesome thing happening this week, you're as eager to get out on the field as I am. The good news is that (at the risk of jinxing it), looking at my 7 day forecast, Thursday - for the first time in two weeks - is NOT scheduled to be a downpour! Woo hoo! (knockonwood)


The deets:
Time: 7:15
Field: Field 1 (dirt)
Who: VIP Let's Kick It (yellow)
What else: We have equipment duty

Please let me know if you CAN or CANNOT make it out on Thursday! This helps me put together the positions and kicking lineup!



From what I've heard, VIP is another expansion team. Blue Steel described them as "Not being 'new' but playing 'new'." Despite this review, we must be sure to treat them as their color suggests: With caution.

That said, I expect everyone to come out swinging on Thursday.

Why? That's easy: They're yellow-meanies. It was VIP that invited the rain two weeks ago. It was VIP that decided it would be a good idea for KFC to buck the healthy foods trend and introduce one of the most disgustingly excessive (though probably delicious) "sandwiches" in years. VIP scared my cat under the bed. I'm watching Cameroon play Japan right now. Cameroon is wearing yellow as well and, you know what? They're getting kinda chippy. More importantly, in my Pick 'Em league, I predicted a tie in this game, but Cameroon let in a soft goal, which could cost me the lead in my league. Frikkin' yellow!

In other news: In the unlikely chance you've missed Phil's posting of the Ray Tong Miracle Catch highlight, it can be found here. Such a great catch!

Next: I keep forgetting to put this in an email...

Regarding your shirts. If and when you wash them, be sure to turn them inside out and use cold water. If you use a dryer, use the "Delicate" mode.

If you see the logo lifting or wrinkling, you can re-press it. Lay a piece of parchment over the logo and, without any steam/water in the iron, place the iron on top of the logo/parchment for 20 seconds (don't rub it back and forth, just put it straight down on top).

On that rather domestic note, let's get pumped for Thursday! It's almost here!

Captain Big
The Team Your Team Could Smell Like

"I dunno, I just blanked out and, the next thing I knew, I was on the ground with the ball. I was like, 'What the [expletive deleted]?!'" - Ray Tong

Early Contender for Play of the Year

The cameras were rolling when CF Ray Tong made his heroic catch in the Spices' first game of the season.



You can clearly see the slip and then the fantastic effort Ray made to stay in the play and make the catch.

"What makes it even more special for me," said a teary-eyed Captain Big. "Is that you can see him pop right back up and, true to his 'training', he gets the ball back in as quickly as he can, making it possible to complete the double play. A great play, start to finish and his MVP award was well-deserved."