#FirstWorldProblems Find Pitches, Place in Lost and Found

Still riding the momentum of their big opening night win, the #Problems came out swinging Wednesday night against the seasoned Pitches.

Fielding an unusually light roster of only 17, the #Problems’ bench felt positively sparse at times. The lily whites would not be discouraged, however, making up for numbers with volume. And with the help of honorary #Problem (and actual Ex-President) Phil and the callback Team Your Team Could Smell Like playlist on his Loud box, the away team was able to plate four quick runs in the first to give the Pitches an uphill battle for the rest of the game.

The Benny Hill moment of the night came in the top of the fourth when, with bases loaded, the #Problems were able to capitalize on a couple of rare Pitches throwing errors and some base path errors of their own to plate two runs thanks to some overeager running by Jamie and an opportunistic (and squirrely) Asian.

“We call it the ‘Crouching Asian, Hidden Jamie!’” said Jamie. “Yeah, we're special. We got what it takes!”

Game MVP Seamus, who initiated the play and drove in three of the #Problems’ runs on the night, was elated. “It makes me feel, um, good...”

Rookie Lara (“Doctor P”) saw her first WAKA action on the night, having finally been lured into kickball by husband Tristan. Sambas may have outshone her on-field experience on the night, however. “Whenever I go to Sambas, I know I can expect marital advice from the bartender and unbelievably delicious cake (or at least one of the two?).”

The #FirstWorldProblems are off to a fast start this season. Kickball, cake and pitchers are a good Wednesday night by anybody’s standards.

Free agents shine in #FirstWorldProblems debut

#FirstWorldProblems got off to a strong start with a 12-1 victory Wednesday night. Newcomers Brad (game MVP) and Jamie made instant impacts, going a combined 4-for-4 with 3 RKI and 3 runs scored.

"We're coming out strong this season," said Big, who reached base twice, with 1 RKI and 2 runs scored. "We clearly won the off-season race, picking up a handful of future kickball superstars. Those moves are already paying dividends. The top teams in the league are soon going to realize they've got #Problems to deal with."

#FWP put up seven runs in the first inning and relied on strong defense and Big's pitching to keep the opposition at bay. When asked for comment, star infielder Nancy replied, "Really? Did I do something special?"

When informed that she went 1-for-2 with 2 RKI, Nancy added, "Oh. Right."

The win was a strong team effort, with other run producers and scorers including Amanda, Pete, Frey, Colin, Big, Seamus and Shelby.

The #Hashtag Revolution

"Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive and don't ever apologize for anything." - Harry S. Truman

As stolen from a better speech:

Let's set the record straight. There is no argument over the choice between winning and fun, but there is only one guaranteed way you can have winning--and you can have it in the next second--sobriety.

Admittedly there is a risk in any course we follow other than this, but every lesson in history tells us that the greater risk lies in apathy, and this is the specter our well-meaning sober friends refuse to face--that their policy of seriousness is assanine, and it gives no choice between winning and fun, only between play and apathy. If we continue to accommodate, continue to back and retreat from these tea tottlers, eventually we have to face the final demand--the ultimatum. And what then? When Stewies Sexy Party has told their people he knows what our answer will be? He has told them that we are retreating under the pressure of the Vegas Cup, and someday when the time comes to deliver the ultimatum, our sobriety will be voluntary because by that time we will have weakened from within spiritually, morally, and economically. They believe this because from our side he has heard voices pleading for "winning at any price" or "better Win than Fun," or as one commentator put it, he would rather "win on his feet than fuck on his back." And therein lies the road to apathy, because those voices don't speak for the rest of us. You and I know and do not believe that winning is so dear and playing so sweet as to be purchased at the price of boredom and sobriety. If nothing in life is worth drinking for, when did this begin--just in the face of this enemy? Or should Shookie not have made "shoes" for the Hippos? Should Ray have never shown up? Should Tristan and Seamus not have shown up slinging rum and Diet Coke? The drunks of our history were not fools, and our honored retired who gave their drinks to stop the advance of Gettin' Cider didn't die in vain. Where, then, is the road to fun? Well, it's a simple answer after all.

You and I have the courage to say to our enemies, "There is a price we will not pay." There is a point beyond which they must not advance. Winston Churchill said "I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly." And he said, "There is something going on in time and space, and beyond time and space, which, whether we like it or not, spells Happy Hour."

You and I have a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this, the last best hope of drinking in WAKA, or we will sentence them to take the last step into a thousand years of sobriety.

#FirstWorldProblems Schedule